Fic: The Muppet Show

Here’s a special treat for ya… Back before I started posting fic on FFn, I used to do writing challenges with a bunch of kiwi twi fans on a forum. Here’s one such crossover challenge entry from about a year ago. Maybe less. I’ve changed nothing from what I shared with the girls back then. Oh, this was back before I was writing slash, so it’s E/B, and pretty much canon ;)

The Muppet Show

“Really?” Edward asked me, looking up at the tall neon sign atop the dilapidated theatre front. “I wanted to take you somewhere nice.”

Despite Edwards tuxedo, despite my own evening dress, carefully chosen by Alice for the occasion, I wasn’t looking forward to going ‘somewhere nice’. “Come on Edward. I want to go here. Please?”

He smiled slowly. He couldn’t resist my pleading with him, and I knew it. “Ok. But you know we are going to stand out in what we are wearing, right?”

“I don’t care,” I lied, as we walked up to the ticket kiosk.

Before Edward was able to get the attention of the man in the kiosk, I noticed a small person exit the front door of the theatre. His skin was orange, he had a thick shock of darker orange hair and wore glasses and a lime green satin jacket. He seemed to be looking for something.

His eyes alighted on Edward and I, and he rushed up to us. “There you are!” he exclaimed excitedly.

Edward looked at him, a confused expression on his face. “I’m sorry?” he asked.

“You’re the vampire, right?” Then he looked at me, slightly confused. “Oh, I guess you’re the girl.” He turned back to Edward. “You were supposed to come to the backstage door. Never mind, your act is about to start, quick, this way!”

Edward gaped at him. I stared at Edward, completely perplexed and just a little horrified.

“Come on!” he yelled, grabbing each of us by the hand and dragging us with surprising strength for such a little person into the theatre.

He led us into the backstage area and the first thing I noticed was the hectic air of panic, punctuated by the large, yet slender green frog running in circles and shouting in a high pitched, nasal voice. “Edward,” I nudged him, “a talking frog!”

Edward’s eyes were as wide as mine. He looked down at me. “I can’t hear their thoughts!” he whispered. He looked decidedly uncomfortable and I wondered if perhaps he relied too much on his gift.

“Chief!” the small orange man yelled over the shrieking. “Kermit! They’re here. They were out the front.”

The frog – Kermit – stopped his whirling and stared for a second. “It’s about time Scooter!” He rushed to us, looking us over, his gaze lingering on me with a worried expression. “No time to worry now, at least you’re in costume.” He turned to a large wicker chest nestled beside the stairs and pulled out a voluminous black garment which he thrust at Edward. “Here’s your cape.” He rummaged again and handed me some small bags filled with dark liquid but didn’t get a chance to tell me what they were; a line of chickens had come dancing off the stage.

“Great Cancan, chickens,” he gushed, then turned to Edward and I. “Dracula skit ready for curtain, on you go,” he said as he thrust us through the stage door.

Edward and I stared at each other in shock as we found ourselves on a small stage, heavy curtains blocking our view of the audience. Stage hands – more short, strangely coloured men – rushed about, removing saloon style backdrops and replacing them with a chaise longue, small side table and, of all things, an old style coffin. One of the hands then placed an ornate candlestick complete with dribbly candle on the top of the coffin, and what looked like a wooden stake on the side table.

Then I watched Edwards face as he broke into a huge grin. “Bella, you’ve read Dracula right?”

I nodded, panicked, as I realised what was happening.

“We’re doing Dracula,” he intoned, and on the last word he dropped into a disturbingly believable Transylvanian accent, sweeping the cape around his shoulders, and pulling the collar up high around his neck.

“No way!” I gasped, letting the bags I held in my hands fall towards the floor. Edward caught them before they hit and somehow made them disappear.

“Come on, Bella, play along. You’re Mina.” He winked at me. “Just go with it.”

“Damn you Edward,” I seethed. “You’ll pay for this later.” And then the curtain rose.

I couldn’t look toward the audience, but I could feel their eyes on me. I was frozen in fear. Edward watched me carefully, though I had no idea if he was acting yet. I noticed his eyes darkening, the warm butterscotch gradually becoming pitch black as he slowly stalked towards me. I took an involuntary step backwards and the corner of his mouth twitched as if he were holding back a laugh.

“You will be mine, Mina,” he drawled in that terrifying accent, clasping me to him as I tried to pull away, not sure at that point whether I was acting. “I will have you for all eternity!” He threw his head back and laughed maniacally before pulling me up to him and burying his face in my throat. I gasped in fear – and then realised that his lips were moving softly on my skin and I felt the familiar warmth in my belly, my heartbeat increasing as it did whenever he touched me. My hands moved by themselves, running through his hair, attempting without success to lift his lips to mine. I felt something warm on my throat – warmer than Edwards mouth – and when he pulled away I saw blood on his lips.

My eyes grew wide and I almost fainted. But I soon realised that the bags Kermit had given me earlier had contained stage blood for this very purpose and I managed to keep my head up. “Oh!” I breathed, and then remembered where I was. “Yes,” I stammered. “Make me like you! I want to be what you are, see what you see!”

Edward raised one eyebrow at me in a silent question, but then lay me carefully on the chaise longue before rolling up his sleeve. He brushed his thumbnail across the skin of his wrist and with the slight of hand that only a real vampire could achieve, bright red blood seemed to well from an invisible wound. “Drink,” he said seductively, holding his wrist towards me. “Come with me throughout eternity.”

My heart stopped beating, but when Edwards eyes lifted to my own and seemed to scold me for letting my own feelings into our performance it started thumping again. I lowered my lips to his arm daring to taste the fake blood. I thought my stomach would lurch at the thought, but I realised it was made from sweet corn syrup and was not unpleasant. I wrapped my lips around the spreading red stain and began sucking and licking it clean, my eyes cheekily on his.

If it were possible, I thought his eyes had grown darker still. I felt rather than heard a deep guttural growl coming from him and my heart began beating furiously again. I pulled away, wiping the back of my hand across my lips.

Suddenly he turned his face from mine and towards the audience. “No!” he shouted, and several of the audience members in the front row jumped. “I will not condemn you to this hunger for all time!”

What was I supposed to do now? Edward turned back to me, taking the wooden stake from the side table and handing it to me. “You must kill me Mina,” he said, “Or you will be cursed to walk the earth haunted by your thirst for blood.”

I stared at him, confused. “Stake me Bella,” he whispered urgently in his own voice, his lips barely moving.

I held the stake uncertainly, pointing it at his chest and looking at him questioningly. Without any help from me, suddenly my hand was wrenched towards him and I felt the stake hit his chest, splintering harmlessly against him into toothpicks. I gasped in surprise as he winked at me, before more stage blood spread across his clothing and my hands. He fell to the floor at my feet and I crouched over him. “I’ll get you for this Edward Cullen,” I whispered and felt him shake with silent laughter as the audience broke into loud applause. The curtain fell.

I looked up as Kermit rushed onto the stage, his excitement evident. “That was great!” he exclaimed. “Not what we were expecting… but the audience loved you!” He was followed by other creatures, some humanoid, some anthropomorphic animals.

The stage hands began removing the chaise and the coffin, only to place a wooden table that was soon surrounded by several dogs. I noticed a large brown dog with shaggy brown fur and large floppy ears was talking and shuffling a pack of cards. Beside him was seated a very tiny white toy poodle that yapped from time to time.

Then I noticed someone who looked like a very small, plush version of Gary Oldman, looking extremely angry. He looked around briefly, and seeing Edward who had just pulled himself to his feet, still wearing the cape, pointed at him imperiously. “What’s HE doing here?” he boomed.

All eyes turned to stare at him. Kermit looked from him, to Edward, and back to the tiny Gary Oldman. “Oh dear,” he said. “Perhaps there has been a mix up…”

“Too right there’s been a mix up Kermit!” growled a very blonde, very well dressed and very female pig. “Moi was supposed to be in this act! So who’s that?” she hissed at me.

I recoiled. The pig was scary. She reminded me a lot of Rosalie. “Edward,” I prodded. “I think we need to get out of here!”

He picked me up in one fluid motion and as fast as he dared, swept out through the stage right curtain just as Kermit was trying to placate ‘Miss Piggy’, as I heard him call her. From a distance I heard a high pitched “Hiiii yah!”, and suddenly the frog flew past as he was thrown through the curtain after us, tumbling into the stairs backstage.

Edward set me down in the alley, having just exited the back door of the theatre. He doubled over in laughter.

I couldn’t help myself. I chuckled, then broke into loud peals of laughter. “What on earth was that?” I managed to gasp, holding my sides.

Edward straightened, his laughter slowly abating. “That Bella, was The Muppet Show.”

~v~

See? Adverbs are bad, mmkay? ‘I held the stake uncertainly, pointing it at his chest and looking at him questioningly.’ WTF was I thinking???

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4 responses to “Fic: The Muppet Show

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